To My Cell Phone

You are a stupid piece of crap.  You’ve let me down so many times, on so many levels.  You are the most annoying, unreliable, cowardly jerk ass little bitch I’ve ever known.  Pick up your shit and get out.

I doubt the people of Ericsson would be very proud of what you’ve become, how you’ve chosen to live your life.  If they could see you now.  One fucking bar.  Oh wait, now there’s two, but just for a moment.  Now there’s one again.  How the hell do you do that, go in and out of reception while you’re just sitting there?  It makes me so pissed to think about it, I give up. 

I am the only person who has ever believed in you, ever.  Who else do you have, huh?  Who else hasn’t given up on you like I should have a long time ago?  How many second chances have I given you?  And you’ve squandered them away.  You and your little tart battery.

I stick up for you, man.  I put my ass on the line in front of everybody, time and again.  I tell them, “No, my cell phone’s just fine for me.  Works alright most the time.  Yep, just something to get the job done.”  All lies.

Look, I don’t need any fancy flip thing with a camera and three pivoting blades. I just need something to tell me who’s calling and a mute button to reject them.  But good-God if you don’t make that difficult.  My voicemail gets everything because you roam more than the Goddam’ buffalo.

I knew you were a cheap phone when I got you free with the service plan, so I wasn’t expecting miracles.  But they failed to mention that you were a two-bit dirty old harlot with free nights and weekends.  Actually, you’re free anytime.  If I can’t call or receive calls, then I’m saving a ton of minutes that I already goddamned paid for!  You’re a badly painted whore.

You do have character, though. I’ll give you that.  You have what they call personality- little quirks that make you unique.  Like when you continue to notify me that I have a new message in my voicemail long after I have listened to it and erased it.  Or how, sometimes, when I have a message waiting you will unlock yourself and I will accidentally call my voicemail and leave a 2 minute long recording of whatever is going on in my pants pocket.  Yeah, you’re a real fucking character.

One more thing.  Being black and white does not make you nostalgic, or artsy.  It makes you look like an ass, and it makes me look cheap.  Not like my car isn’t doing a good job at that already.  I’ll get to that in a second; right now I’m talking about you.

I guess you might be wondering why I haven’t just gotten a new phone.  Well I’m not going to stop loving you, not that easy.  I still think we can make it last, girl.

I remember the first day we met, at the AT&T Wireless store.  You remember that?  Before Cingular took over?  It was AT&T back then, and it was you&me forever after that.

What happened to us?  We thought we could take on the world. But I guess time has a way of changing network reliability.